Hosanna

Today is a very special day for me.  I wrote these words three years ago, today.

Thus says the LORD:”The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." (Jeremiah 31:2-3)


Let me tell you a story.

She is sixteen and she is broken.  She is lost in a crowd, and lost in a dark world.  She often tries to numb herself through seeking the approval of others and has found herself drowning in a sea of substance abuse, parties, and depression.  She is aware that she is blind, and she hopes one day that she will be able to find solace.  She hopes there is something better than what she has been living, because her decisions of "I'll stop tomorrow" keep colliding with her urges to see how far down the rabbit hole she can fall.  She feels like the walking dead.

She finds herself sitting amongst a big crowd at Boiling Point, a camp hosted from a church that she goes to occasionally.   This girl was brought there by her manager at work who she hardly knows, who said God had put it on her heart to pay for this girl to go to that camp so that they could be there together.  She feels confused and goes simply because she hopes to one day truly know the God who speaks.  She finds herself upset that she is there, on this day three years ago.  She feels anxious and knows she is missing out on something that she knew her friends would be doing that night.  She finds herself angry and off-center.  The feeling of living 16 years without ever breathing, without ever looking up, without ever feeling like she wasn't just lost in a sea of people... It's getting to her.  She doesn't want to be there and doesn't know when her anxiety, depression, and guilt will ever end.

That night, three years ago, she finds herself sitting in a chair, staring at a pastor she's never seen. He is telling them that Christianity isn't comfortable, and that it is time to let go.  It is time to stop trying to fit in and it is time to stop living the life you know you weren't called to.  It is time to let go and let God, and stop holding onto the control you try to have in life that has put you where you are.  It is time to come home.  Come home.  Home? That word resonates comfort she doesn't know, because when she finds that she is constantly at war with herself - home is far and unknown.  Home.  He tells them to come home, run home.  Home is theirs and home is calling them.  He is calling them.  He knows them.  He knows your name and He is calling you, begging you to come home.  Get up and run, even if it isn't comfortable. Christianity isn't comfortable, but His arms are.  He is peace and He knows you. He is for you.

As students stand around her and they are worshiping, she finds herself sobbing in the back.  She finds herself wondering why everyone else gets it and she doesn't, and she feels as though she is too far gone. She missed it. They have something she doesn't.  For the first time she feels out of the crowd, but only because the crowd is finding freedom and she's in the back - watching.  She is tired. She is worn.  She is done.  It is time to find it, and she won't give up until she does.  For the first time ever she tries to believe the promises she has been told - He knows your name. He is for you.  

He loves you, and He has a plan for you.

She finds herself walking up to the woman that paid for her to be there, and she pours her heart out before she can even think about it. She tells her everything.  She tells her that she doesn't know what to do but that she is giving up.  She is tired of trying and she needs help to see beyond her situation.  Her manager, Sarah, looks her straight in the eyes and tells her that what she has done and what has happened to her doesn't define her.  Sarah tells her about the God who is living and redemptive and loves her for who she is in that moment.  She tells this scared little girl about a come-as-you-are God who paid the ultimate price so that we would never have to be apart from Him.  Sarah tells her that she has been praying over her and for her, and that God is her advocate. He is for her and He will fight for her.  She can come to Him, broken and weary and ready to give up. He sees her and makes her whole and full of joy.  Sarah tells her of a God that has already conquered death, not just for her, but for everyone's sake. Sarah tells her that her sin is not beyond anyone else, but that sin is all the same and we are all forgiven the moment that we run to Him. We are all given a crown of love and victory over this life. For the first time, she feels the true freedom from weight of sin lift from her shoulders.

She realizes she doesn't have to do anything to gain that, but to lay it at His feet.  They pray together and for the first time in her life she feels free because she knows that she has been set free from this world.  The world cannot define her or tell her what she will be or what she will choose, but that she has been given the authority to be free and choose eternal life. She is free from the chains and strongholds of sin, she is new.  He has made her new.  For the first time she hears her Father's voice tell her that the old has gone and the new has come.  She is His daughter, and oh...she is loved. Not for just who she will be, but who she is.  In that moment.  She is His.

They stand and walk to the front of the crowd who is lost in worship, and for the first time she raises her hands in surrender to the God who saved her.  She sings with her whole heart as she feels it in line with His, for the first time.  She knows that she is free from everything she thought she was bound to.  After what seems like an eternity of being in the chains of sin, she is free.  The beauty of the cross is that He bled grace.  We never have to be held down by wondering how we can redeem our sin.  The hardest part of being surrendered to Him is letting go and allowing ourselves to be free.  It was a generous gift that is hard to accept because we can do nothing in return.  He is the One that gives too much.  His loves it too extravagant for us to understand. The hardest part believing.  Could it be? Could it be that He has done all of this and I owe nothing?  Could it be that this life can be a declaration of joy and freedom and love? Could it be that there is no hardship to face and there is no wall to climb - but that His grace is sufficient? Yes. Isn't it incredible?  They sing Hosanna.  

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest. I see a generation rising up to take their place with selfless faith, with selfless faith.  I see a near revival, stirring as we pray and seek. We're on our knees. We're on our knees.

And she knows that is the truth, and that is the calling He has placed on her life.  She knows she is called to rise up, above her circumstances and above this world.  She knows that this place is where she wants to stay, completely surrendered to Him.  She wants to be forever there, in a crowd of His children with their eyes and hearts set on Him and His love. His freedom. She is no longer lost in a crowd, but one in a Family of people who are just so in Love with Him.

And that is where she has stayed.  For three years, three years today. He lifted me up three years ago today to see that I am in control of my choices and that is His gift. He has given us free will to freely love Him, and to see His strength and grace within this fallen world. He has freely given us the choice to choose His will and His plan so that we may walk in His love.  I am in awe today to think of where I might be had He not called me by name three years ago, three years ago today.  Yet I find that I can't even think of it for more than a second.  I am too head-over-heels, madly in love with my Father to even glorify sin and giving it power by thinking those thoughts.  It doesn't matter where I would be, because I'm not. I'm here, in His arms. Forever.  This world has no power, because He has beautifully set us free. Lift your head and rise.  No more tears, no more pain.  He is for you and He has called you, by name. You are His. Nothing and no one in this world can ever separate you for this love. And no one can stop you from living in this freedom, wrapped in His grace.

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest!

Longing for Tomorrow When He Has Given You Today

"In twenty-six days I will be coming home," I keep finding that I tell myself, "coming home to Chihuahua."

I have been given a beautiful opportunity to usher some really incredible college students into my home-away-from-home during spring break and watch as they fall in love, too.  I will watch as they fall in love with a taste of culture shock and the excitement of foreign life.  I will watch as they fall in love with kids who will tug on their arms and fall into their laps.  I will watch as they fall in love with the richness of life that is found in letting go of materials and hanging onto the true values of life.  I will watch as they fall in love with a whole new side of God - which is different for every person. To some He reveals that He is faithful and provides, to some He awakens a new heart that understands a new depth of serving.  To some He shows that love is a universal language that knows no bound.  He speaks to every heart individually.  The unique stories that unfold as you watch people fall in love with God all over again in this setting is beautiful.  I am beyond humbled to have the opportunity to sit at Jesus' feet and watch as hearts transform and walls are broken down. 

But my heart aches.  The last time I stood in this place, I was ready to go.  I was ready to let go and follow God's call. I felt ready to set my life down and follow Him, whether it be with my precious family in Mexico or another place in the world.  I was waiting for God to see my missionary's heart and to whisk me off to devote my life to being laid down.  I wanted to give everything for the love of Christ to be revealed somewhere new.  I thought I was ready.  The last time I stood across the border, an aching weighed in my heart that I had not yet known how to translate into words.  After seeing desperate need in the lives of the people I loved so deeply in Mexico, I knew that I wasn't ready. God began to break down walls of fear and incline my heart with a passion for bringing healing to the people I so loved, and so I began a road towards nursing.  A road that is seemingly long from where I stand. It is a road that I know He has faithfully led me to, but sometimes I just like to have a tantrum and remind Him that I want it all now. And then He gently reminds me that His ways are higher, and we keep pressing forward.
 
My impatient heart has been anxious.  But please don't misunderstand.  I am grateful for what is ahead and grateful that God is working.  I am overjoyed to know that His Love will be spread to the nations by His will and His timing. There is rest in knowing that the Creator of Time always uses it wisely. Though my flesh is weak in the thought of stepping back onto Mexican soil and knowing that it will be years still until this place I feel at home is no longer hours away but is my own backyard, I know His plan is greater still.  Anticipating the heartbreak of walking away again is a little bit scary, but if I step back from my overly simple and small-pictured point-of-view for a moment.. I can't wait to do it.  I know that His comfort isn't found in that place, though sometimes I'd like to believe that.  My recent struggle is trying to find rest for a weary heart.

The selfish and small-minded part of me keeps trying to convince God that the only way I can serve is if I'm down in the dirt, sitting in slums, loving the physically poor.  For so long I have allowed for my mind to think that God's heart only resides with the orphans and the widows, because His Word is quite adamant about it.  But His heart is with His children who live Fatherless, and for the wife who doesn't know that she is a beautiful bride to a faithful Husband.  His heart is with the broken.  There is a time and place to meet the physical needs of others, yes, but God is being a steadfast teacher recently to show me that His will is right where I stand.  Though I desire to be elsewhere, God is teaching me that before I am able to serve others the way that I long to - I have to learn to serve Him.  That is through patience and consistency.  At this moment in time, that is sitting in classrooms and studying textbooks and trusting that He knows the desires of my heart when all I really would prefer to do is to be sitting in a village and telling people about Him who have never even heard His name.  Far away from textbooks and classrooms and technology.  He is teaching me new lessons about being thankful, too, because I am realizing what an amazing blessing it is to have those resources available to me. Don't worry, He is breaking down that pride, too. Oh, He is good to know exactly what we need.

From time to time I long for Mexico because it is comfortable.  It is welcoming.  I desperately want to be completely immersed again in 75 kids who inspire me to love deeper. As I stepped into the Tarahumara community for the first time and watched as my precious little friends were grabbing for my hands and asking my name and wanting to follow me everywhere and eat up all of my love, I found a much bigger picture of who my God is.  I discovered the more that I spent time with my arms wrapped up in cuddles and hugs and games, the more I fell in love with my Father.  I reached for His hand and wanted to know His plan because suddenly my perspective of this world got so much bigger.  My love for Him grew that much more because He started to let me see, for the first time, the God of immeasurably more than I could imagine. Just as they trustingly were jealous for my love and affection, I knew that He was after my heart and that I could trust Him, too.  I long to be not only back in that physical place with the sweet friends that He has made for me there, but I know a lot of my longing translates into a desire to be back in that place of wonderment again. Back at His feet. I want to be at the place where I realized that God had big plans and that I really could do all things through Him who gives me strength.  In that moment where my heart was racing and I fell in love with Him in a whole new way.  It was a new love that felt like it would forever be as fast-paced, exciting, and fiery as it was in that instant.

It was comfortable before having to start focus on school in order to be the nurse I know He called me to be.  It was comfortable before God made it clear that all good things take time.  It was comfortable before He began to fulfill His promise in Philippians 1:6 which states that He will brings all things that He starts to completion, which includes continuing to shape me into the person I am meant to be in the ways He knows are best.

But I consistently remember that home is where He is and it will never be a physical place that I find rest.  He is too kind, too gentle, and too compassionate to allow for that to happen.  Home is where He is.  Home is where His heart is.  And His heart is for His children - which do not reflect only one shade of skin color, one dialect, or one border.  The God of immeasurably more doesn't wait on degrees or certificates to reach His children, but He moves within them to bring glory to His Kingdom.  He has been teaching me about the value of this moment, and it is a slow and sure lesson.  The thought of "tomorrow" is so poisoning, isn't it? Why long for tomorrow? Because honestly, if you think about it, tomorrow isn't ever going to arrive.  The perspective of hope for tomorrow will never find satisfaction.  Because the longing for tomorrow, whether if be a longing for Mexico, for a family, for financial status, or whatever you see your personal "tomorrow" being... only distracts your heart and your devotion in the here and now.

Because in the here and now, in this very moment, God is working within you.  In the here and now, you are living out a tomorrow that you once longed for.  There are people who are waiting to encounter the love of the very God who has not only plan for you tomorrow - but today.  And someone is waiting on you to wake up and be here, today.  His heart is here just as much as it is there, whether "there" is defined for you as a time or destination.  His children are here, His heart is here.  Just as much as the little ones can pull for you to pour love on them in a foreign country, His children are hungry and longing for His love here, too.

Yesterday is always a comforter of what you hope tomorrow will bring...
But rise, for He is here.  And He has given you the strength to walk in victory, anointing, and love. Today. God cherishes the journey so much more than He does the destination.  When we remember that He is fixed on love, our goals for our physical life become that much smaller.  Love is something that can be achieved today, here in this moment, and there is no mile nor degree nor opportunity that can keep you from it.  Dive in a love fully today.  Love Him and love His children, whole-heartedly.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. - Psalm 116:7

New Beginnings

For those of you who used to read my old blog - welcome to my new home! And for those of you have just recently come upon it - this is a continuation of a different blog that I began last year (http://awomaninthedust.tumblr.com/).  This domain is going to be a much friendlier tool for what my heart behind this blog is - connection and communication, translation for those whom I love from far away, an easier opportunity to follow the blogs of people that I love, and a more user-friendly atmosphere for blogs focused on writing.  I am expectant and excited to see what this new opportunity brings, and so thankful that you have strolled over to my new neck of the woods!

The words that fall upon this space will never be adequate enough to shine the glory and splendor of the One whom my heart longs to magnify.  But try as I might, I pray they translate into a sweet scent to You, my God.

“Why, then, do I set before You an ordered account of so many things? It's certainly not through me that You know them. But I'm stirring up love for You in myself and in those who read this so that we may all say, great is the Lord and highly worthy to be praised. I tell my story for love of Your love.”

― Saint Augustine