A Woman in the Dust: The Lost and Found

Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages," He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

"Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me.”

- John 12:1-8

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More than ever I feel like my heart resonates with this, with her, with Him.

I can imagine what this night was like for her. I can imagine her heart racing as she knew He would be coming to visit with them again – her close friend. She had in the past sat expectant at His feet one night as she waited to hear His heart’s outpour and was accused by her sister for not working. She had wept at His feet on another occasion as her brother had died four days before yet was resurrected by His healing hand. I can imagine her pacing and preparing and waiting and wishing because this man who was coming to sit in their home once again was the promise maker and promise keeper that had set her free. More than anyone else in the world, He understood her. And she had seen His very words speak life where there was none. She knew He was coming and she didn’t know when He would come again. She knew the room would be full of people, and that there would be cooking to be done and people to be tended to. Hospitality should have been at the forefront of her mind – a table full of men to be served.

But she couldn’t. This was about more than that.

He arrived and He sat and she waited and she knew all that she had to give. With a dinner party in full swing, the appropriate thing would be for her to be busy about the work of a woman. But more than the appropriate circumstance, she didn’t know when this moment – this hour – would arrive again. She grabbed a basin and her most expensive possession, walked to the One who had walked on water and poured out her life’s contents over the feet of her Messiah.

In a moment where she knew she would be questioned, and she knew she was acting out of her place, she knew that nothing mattered more than Him. Mary understood that there is no better time and place than here and now to give Him all she had. She knew that He could see her heart, and that in a room full of people who wouldn’t understand and with glares blaring at her back, He was all that mattered. With tears filling with confusion mixed with trust and loss mixed with love and an abundance of the human soul that can only be described as the heart of worship - she washed His feet.

And I can’t help but feel like I know her heartache.

The heart break found in loving such a relentless God is something I so struggle to articulate into words. I’m drawing closer to Him now than ever, and the more that I do the more I see that this journey is far from easy. It will never be comfortable or simple or painless. The more I have tried to seek His face over the last few months the more I am finding Him walk me through the excruciating process of showing me parts of my heart that are not yet surrendered to Him. In friendships, relationships, finances, my education, my career, my everything – it has all been high value perfume set on high shelves.

It is so easy to live a day to day life that is surrendered to Him, when minimal things come up and it is easy to make a choice to live a Christian life. But God is after so much more than the surface of our lives and our affections, and we are well aware that there is much more to who we are than that. Choosing to go to church on a Sunday morning rather than sleeping in can easily put my conscience at ease in feeling as though my life is centered on Him, but He is bringing me through this bare and raw season of showing me how little trust those surface sacrifices actually display. Mary could have chosen to wash Jesus’ feet with soap, water and tears and it still would have appeared that she was desperately trying to serve Him and honor Him. But what sacrifice would that show when perfume was sitting feet away and she chose to sacrifice the lesser? I’m so thankful that God draws us into a love that is so much deeper and more extravagant than that. A love that sent His only son to die for us and a love that calls us to see that He is all we need.

For years I’ve been coming to Him, with soap and water and tears aplenty. With time given in church and at bible studies, tithes donated, worship music sung and daily devotionals… I have felt like I was seeking Him. And I was; there is value in that. But little did I realize how much I was keeping from Him, and little did I think that He would do when I got on my face and prayed a prayer months ago asking Him to shatter the parts of me that I was not completely giving to Him. What did those things I was doing mean if it was out of obligation and not out of love – out of choosing Him when it was easy? When it comes to laying people and things and dreams that I greatly treasure at His feet with full knowledge that this is the best I have and what I value the most and that after I give it to Him, it will be gone – there is no greater heartache and no greater healing. No greater collision of spirit and flesh.

But I wouldn’t trade this season and these moments for the world. Because though my flesh clings on with clenched fists to these treasures that I’ve gathered and kept tucked away, far from surrender, there is no greater joy than to pour out this blessing on the Lord. Despite the strange looks and the questions and the accusations that the world has emptied, I know that my faith and my Advocate will stand and call it worship. There is really nothing more beautiful and intimate than these moments where I can look at Him and declare that I choose Him. That I love Him and desire Him above them, above all, above myself. That I trust wholeheartedly that His love is greater still and His ways are higher.

We can trust that it is here on our knees that He will meet us. I know He is here and I know that He is bigger than it all – and my heart is overflowing with thanks. It is here in full surrender, completely self-lost that He will be our anchor and our hope. And it is in the giving up control that His sovereignty shines brightest. I know this is the place that we find abundant life and abundant joy – the promise keeper is for you, He knows you, and He has already placed a crown of victory on your head. Be seeking Him and drawing ever-closer to His heart. In the process of losing it all for Him is when we gain what matters most. Redemption is a greater gift than we could have ever dreamed. Our worldly sacrifices yield heavenly reward from a Father who is the giver of all good things, and the blessing to be found simply in choosing Him is more than enough to be worth the cost.

We bring Him shattered pieces from a broken world and He makes us perfect. He is worthy. He is Holy. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is Love.

O God, you are my God,

I earnestly seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is not water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.